Don't kick a dead gift horse in the mouth.

"A Few Points on iOS 7" — Fuck you, Gruber. You are a waste of Internet.

The new Batman movie will star Ben Affleck as Batman, Kevin Smith as Superman, and Chris Nolan as Heath Ledger; directed by Christian Bale and produced by Bruce Wayne.

I was going to go to the beach and build a sand castle, but then I remembered I already had sand in my vagina, so I just stayed home.

A Brief History Of My iPhone Names

"Blackberry Bald" – iPhone 3G
"Fragile!" – iPhone 4
"iPwn" – iPhone 3G jailbroken with PwnageTool
"Oblong Johnson" – iPhone 5

You can lead your horse to water, and eat it too.

God told Noah to bring "two of every kind" to the ark. And that's how humankind wound up with two kinds of herpes.

God told Noah to bring "two of every kind" to the ark. The fish were not happy about this decision.

Bond. Bail Bond.

If Google ever buys the NRA, they should make Journey's Open Arms their anthem.

Web, you just got SURFED!!

— Stop being such a Negative Nancy!
— Stop being such a Suddenly Susan!

Unfortunately, I've never heard BET use the phrase “Comin' right up yo TV...”

I hope these damn mosquitos die of alcohol poisoning!

I'm considering using the term “pregnancy risk” in a pickup line.

I'm always giving out mixed signals to muggers.